My Next Boyfriend?

It’s no secret. I read craigslist. All the time. It makes me feel better about my stupid life to read people’s Rants about dead birds in their mailboxes, or Raves about the homeless person that crapped in their yard. Occasionally in the Best of Craigslist, I stumble across a dating post. I found one earlier that sparked my interest, more on that later.
Having spent the past 10 years serving time in one failed relationship after another it may be time to evaluate my dating methods. A good place to start is by evaluating how I’ve spent the past 10 years.

Ex #1: The Nearby Guy
Everyone has this. It’s the first guy you dated, the guy you lost your virginity to, the guy that took you to prom. This particular boyfriend is rarely ever selected on any rational scale of criteria. Reasons such as: he sits next to me in English, my friend’s think he’s cool, he does a wicked kick flip, etc. are perfectly acceptable. Why does this relationship end? Maybe you go to different colleges. Maybe you find out he was sleeping with the entire cheerleading squad the whole time. Or maybe, as in my case, you suspect that you are merely the cover story for a closeted gay man. Whatever the reason, it matters little.

Ex #2: The Whoopsydaisy
My second boyfriend, and also: the greatest guy I’ve ever known. I was doomed to screw this one up. He was perfect: told great stories, loved his family, hardworking, ambitious, smart, loves Led Zeppelin. But as it was my first REAL boyfriend, I was awful: jealous, obnoxious, a terrible influence, smoked too much pot. I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it, while at the same time convincing myself that he’ll spend the rest of his life deranged, strapped to an institution gurney and screaming my name.

Ex #3: The Townie
Having a townie boyfriend in a college town is a blessing and a curse. Pot connection? He’s got it. Off-campus party house? He’s got it. Problem? He’s also got: a crappy job, alcoholism, no personal ambition and a serious lack of respect for things like class, exams, papers, and sleep. And, if he’s my ex boyfriend, he also has a secret speed addiction. These horrible things aren’t the reason you break up with him. No, no. That would be too easy. I broke up with my ex because I was moving out of the state. Or, did I move out of the state so I could break up with my ex? Doesn’t matter…

Ex #4: The Young Buck
I recommend that every woman, at some point in her life, take a man’s virginity. And no, losing your virginity at the same time doesn’t count. Pros: young, impressionable, will be completely devoted to you, can pick you up at the bar, mom is a fantastic cook. Cons: can’t go to the bar with you, lives at home with mom, keeps pressuring you to go to prom, shit head friends want you to buy them beer, probably not that smart. My young buck was great. My friends still love him and talk of him fondly. I still call him when I’m hammered and need a pick me up. After the intense shit show that is a relationship with me, he is ready for any situation. He’s been cleaned up and house trained. Unfortunately, I’ve also completely fucked his head. Apologies to the next girl he dates.

Ex #5: The Asshole
It’s inevitable. After dating a guy that is nice, sincere, genuine and thoughtful you must, MUST, date a total and complete asshole. He should be a gluttonous, insecure, overbearing, stubborn, alcoholic, unsupportive philanderer. Why don’t you break up with him? Because he’s soooo funny, smart, charming, cute, whatever. It’s always something. I stayed because I was convinced it would get better….or I was bored, I can’t decide. In any case, you only break up with this guy for good when you have absolutely had enough. I recommend watching “Diary of a Mad Black Woman.”

Basically the entire catalog of my boyfriends displays a strong disposition towards self-sabotage, punishment and misery. All of this led me to believe that everything I held true about myself, and the kind of partner I was looking for, was a load of bullshit. Not only that, but I’ve dated every stereotype, every type of guy, and constantly tried different variables. Now, I’d rather not spend the rest of my life cranking Dashboard Confessional and crying into an empty wine bottle….so I have no choice but to consider the one option that never occurred to me. Is it possible that the secret to dating isn’t as simple as “opposites attract”? Maybe we aren’t supposed to find someone that challenges us, is different, teaches us new things, or any other overused cliché. I should just give up and go for someone simple who fulfills my basic needs. He doesn’t have to be interesting, challenging or supportive. I have friends for that.

This leads me back to the craigslist post. Is this my next boyfriend?

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/m4w/860408505.html